A return

A resurrection of this thought repository, I have an event that I wish to recount about.

Today was a productive meeting with my psychologist; he asked me a question that resonated with me once I took the time to ponder my response, the first answer that came to mind was to the question:

What do you value most?

And my answer was:

Storytelling

It was an answer I didn’t think i’d still value, after witnessing my own ability to not tell a coherent story with my own words. I still value the ability to transmit events and occurrences in an entertaining manner.

After all, isn’t that connection of experiences the defining trait of human existence. Aren’t linguistical and ideative constructs designed so that we can attempt to share our experiences with other individuals.

To prove that our existence is not solitary, we proliferate our stories to garner a simple acknowledgement that our experience happened; in the case of true stories.

But what of the imaginary tales?

Are we still searching for the same confirmation that our falseness can exist.

To have others buy into our narratives, to have them real in the minds of others, is the same as what we do when we try and present ourselves, to have others buy into a story of what we want them to see.

And being in-perpetum of that state is exhausting.

We’re always telling the story that is our lives.

And that just doesn’t stop, until it does.

So how do we position ourselves in a manner that allows us to embrace the totality of curating our own experience?
Can we even exist external of the story?
I would like to imagine that in time, we shall be able to live alongside the story we wish to tell. That our triumphs and failures will be recorded, a waveform of the melody of experience. A physical manifestation of the story of our lives would be what I desire from us all.
Every life has hardships, and I would hope, bliss and no story is worth losing.

Let us all do our best to live our best story.

Communication, Connection & Creation

A meeting of people, the happenstance of important connections, the initial connection between lives external.

It is a fascinating topic, and one I decided I must try and write something on.

But what do I have to say about connections?

I want them. They are the means in which we are able to actuate our own selves, to be able to share what makes us, us, to bring about a response from another for something you have concocted in that mind of yours, and for them to respond in kind. People take this amazing phenomenon for granted sometimes, for what happens when we lose that sense of self, or begin to consider every aspect of what we say, or even losing ones own voice. Verbal communication can become difficult, fraught with worry that you might say the wrong thing.

So it's important to take control of your words, to make sure that what you want to say, is what you want to express about yourself.

There's the old mantra:

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

And they are wise words, silence speaks volumes, and the refusal to actuate a result from someones thought speaks louder than any vocal rejection, for in actuating words from your own self that are steeped in negativity and rejection, we invite those perceptions of us onto ourselves from others. We express that that is a status that we have selected to resonate. We have chosen to make that negativity a part of our record. People will remember when you speak ill of others, we always do.

Hate festers hate.

Don't make hate a part of your story, keep those in the words unwritten.

I have noticed that I didn't actually write anything about meeting people, and spoke instead of the mechanisms by which we try and increase those connections, that's just how my mind tangentials. I suppose if I were to have one story I'd like to share about positive meetings is a chance encounter while wanting to play a game of pool, a game where mind and actuation of mind intersect. The Orange individual, opened up a world of working for me which had been locked away for far too long, I was able to express my design skills and have that communication design, and by extension, communication of myself, reciprocated and wanted. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to reconnect with those skills I had locked away out of fear, and an exciting prospect to be able to continue creating alongside and learning more from them.

I look forward to the creative connections that shall be created.

Outthinking a concept

When a conflict is not between parties and is instead against a mind and a concept; How can that individual defeat the idea? And is defeating the idea even the way to reconcile such an interaction.

This is the conundrum I am currently facing, with the concept being conflicted with being that of sleep.

At a conceptual level, I understand that sleep is a mandatory part of the human experience. It's a critical function to re-codify memories and to provide our minds a state of rest.

But despite understanding this necessity, some part of my brain has begun to fear the concept, whilst simultaneous longing for it's rest.

It's the anxiety of that complete forfeiture of control over my experience, I believe that is the root cause of my current predicament.

So, how do I reconcile with the concept of sleep?

Ever since a few weeks ago, my circadian rhythms have been disrupted due to factors far beyond my control; however now that I once again have control over these factors, the final factor I seem to have lost control over is my vision of the expectation of that experience. My mind still expects that sleep process to no longer be controlled by myself, and it kind of sucks.

Logically I have nothing to worried about, the world will still be there when I awake, continuity of existence is something I have proof of every day I wake up.

So what about the process is causing me this perceived anguish?

Fear. Fear that I won't have a good sleep, is preventing me from having good sleep.
I have to have a good sleep to prove to myself that I still can do it.

Yet how does one do that when the previous iterations present to the contrary?

Something so easy, so natural an experience, has become a challenge, and it is not a welcome one.

I want control over my experience, and this fear and anguish, directed towards a fundamental part of it, is only causing a feedback loop that can only be established by recognising that that is the case.

It is good to externalise your experiences, but actuating the thoughts that plauge our day to day, by making these thoughts a dialogue with ourselves, instead of a cyclical internal struggle, we're able to apply our logic and problem solving skills, instead of being completely absorbed with the problem it's perceiving.

The First of many

How does one begin?

A fitting question to start a blog I posit.

I am James Dobson and this is my space to vocalise thoughts, emotions and queries I have to, and within this world we all inhabit.

It is here where, despite a lack of presence or pretence, I shall expose the machinations of my mind and the depths of how my psyche operates.

My first thought of today harkens to a thought I had a few weeks prior to this point that is “What is a question?” the answer I received to this being “That's a question.” To which I was entertained at the response.

But it got me thinking of the nature of questions and that it is through them that we are able to confirm the existence of others. They allow information to come to be, to allow an understanding between peoples. Where once no understanding was, they are a fantastic addition to our language, one that can never be overstated enough for existence itself.

And so I posit a question to a blog, one that cannot be answered, but one I shall nevertheless attempt to start a dialogue with regardless of the back and forth that usually occurs in a conversation. A one way question, one posited to myself to thinking upon.

How does one begin?

In this case it is intentionally vauge, as I wanted to explore the state of starting a project, rather than just the specific instance I intended when beginning this post.

In a new chapter of my life, how do I begin that chapter? What aspects make up a great story and how does one apply those facets to have an equally interesting and grand lifestory.

The concept of a lifestory is one I just thought of, and it is one that is fairly self explanatory, it's the storyline of ones life, we are the writers of our own duration and it's up to us to make these stories as riveting as they can be, we owe it to ourselves.

I can think of no fitting response to this question at this time, my first response to it would be “Just start and then the rest will fall into place in time.” But what of the abandonment of a beginning, where does that story even lead, it doesn't get a middle, just an end, and that's quite sad when you think about it. But then again, I suppose the abandonment of an idea, still has a storyline in itself, but that process is rarely documented. Not ever have I seen a documentation detailing someones negligence or lack of will to follow-through an idea.

As that itself is a continuation of the idea I suppose.

Which is an interesting point, an abandoned beginning still has a story, so what's to say every instance of everything doesn't have a story. It's just about beginning something, the act of creating, and then the universe already put in some aspect of how it's told.

By simply making something exist, existence adds to it's story.

Whether it be a setting, a timeline or a way it's received, every story gets a setting, every idea gets a framework to exist within.

Thank you existence for your continued input into our stories.

How does a beginning start?

By asking a question, and making the answer yourself, alongside the world you inhabit.